bairmik January 13th, 2014
It’s been almost five years. Five years of driving to the home I don’t live in any more. Five years of walking up to the door that I am not allowed to walk through. Ringing the doorbell. Waiting while the dog that used to be mine barks at me like a stranger. Waiting for her to come to the door so I can spend a little time with her.
What I wouldn’t give to not have to make that trip. To not make that walk from my car to her door. To stand on the porch like a stranger while the neighbors come and go, doing their best not to stare at me.
Time is supposed to heal. But it seems to hurt so much worse now. These days I wish I had tried harder a month ago. Kept my mouth shut. This would all be over.
I’m not supposed to say that. Everyone just wants to know that everything is ok.
Good news. I’m ok.
bairmik January 2nd, 2014
Woody Guthrie’s New Year’s resolutions from 1942. Don’t get lonesome. Stay Glad.
bairmik December 29th, 2013
For me, depression seems to come in waves. Things seem fine for the most part, then out of nowhere the first wave hits. It’s that first touch of the tide coming in. The white, foaming saltwater, just a little bit colder than you hoped it would be. It wakes up all the wrong senses. The ones that make you look at everything that is disappointing around you. And as quick as it showed up, the first wave retreats.
I know what comes in between waves. Silence. Withdrawal. Anticipation of the next wave. Bracing myself, hoping it was just a bad day.
When the next wave hits, the only solace I have is that I was expecting it. It’s deeper than the first wave. It lasts longer. All the insecurities that were brought up in the first wave manifest as paranoia. Everything is wrong. Do people care? Sure. But it doesn’t matter. Oh, you love me? How nice. Please don’t talk to me. And when the wave retreats, it leaves me lost.
The waves just keep coming. Sometimes I want to scream for help, only to lash out when people try to offer help. “Oh, you love me? Fuck you.” I don’t want your love. I don’t want you around me. I don’t want you to open your fucking mouth.
bairmik October 17th, 2011
Come here often?
bairmik June 17th, 2010
But I’m still alive. Marathon training these days. Steamboat Classic 15k this weekend.
bairmik August 29th, 2008
“Instead, it is that American spirit – that American promise – that pushes us forward even when the path is uncertain; that binds us together in spite of our differences; that makes us fix our eye not on what is seen, but what is unseen, that better place around the bend.”
bairmik August 19th, 2008
Only the curious, if they live, have a tale worth telling.